A Dark Inspiration

After the talk Nakagana and I had a fantastic relationship, as did Kashii and myself. I found that the more responsible the person they felt you to be the more respect they gave you. I did everything I could not to let them down, of course along the way I had some stumbles, as we all did. After Nakagana showed me the power of saki, sweet and tangy it is (such a fine wine), I happened across a bottle one night and fell into a stupor. That is not so bad, but when you consider that I was nothing more than fourteen at the time, well it doesn't make you wonder why Kashii was angry at me does it? Life continued, onward and forward, sometimes it would be good if it stopped right there wouldn't it? But life is not always easy, seldom is it ever, it has a way of sneaking up on you and surprising you with the most heinous of things.

After that first night of battle Nakagana showed more efficient and powerful moves, as I was able to show him new moves. He was impressed with my use of what he called "street thuggery" and the ancient moves of his forefathers. He said that it was a subtle yet deadly blend of martial arts that helped me be the warrior I was. One night as we were sparring with our wooden swords he executed two quick flicks with his wrist that sent my sword to the floor. Instead of listening to instinct and reaching down for it I surprised Nakagana and was able to disarm him in three moves. The first move consisted of me flipping back on my hands, the second move was my feet coming up and kicking the bottom of the sword handle in his hand, the third move was me catching the sword and holding it against his throat, the killing position he taught me so long ago. He flinched, amazed at the speed and agility that I had showed, and clapped his hands in pure astonishment. He was so amazed he asked me to show him how to do this, he said that he had never had a student (he had trained six others before me) become his teacher before.

I had asked him about the six others that he had trained prior to me wanting to know who they were, and where they were. He looked at me and said only this about that subject, "When the time is right for to know who they are they will show themselves to you. I will not tell you their names, nor where you can search them out, they will come to you. Have faith, when it is dark they will give you light." I lived with this mysterious message going over and over in my mind for quite some time before it all made sense to me. Right now that story is not for now, but for another time, perhaps even another place.

Nakakgana taught me many things but the most important thing that he ever taught me was how to be aware of everything around me. It was almost as if I could feel the vibrations of the earth as it changed around me. Because of this I was able to tell that something terrible was about to happen one night, something that would change my life forever.

That night I had a dream that has become a recurring haunting of mine. I dreamt that I was in the dojo with Nakagana and Kashii, outside the walls were shadows moving everywhere, flickering and dancing from the fire behind them. Each of the shadows had a weapon in their hand, either a gun or a sword, because of the flickering flames it was impossible to tell how many people were out there it could have been five or fifty.

Kashii was holding her sword above her shoulder, both hands on the hilt, waiting for the first shadow to materialize into life. Her eyes were flicking back and forth measuring and planning, just the way that Nakagana had taught her. She was poised and ready for anything. Her shoulder had a small round patch of blood staining the silk of her kimono, it was rapidly spreading into a much bigger spot. Some of her hair was dangling in front of her face, the strands jumping up and down from her hard breathing, small drops of sweat were running down her face. Her eyes had glazed over into the all too familiar haze of battle, she had the "warrior eyes" as Nakagana called them.

On the other side of me was Nakagana he too had the warrior eyes, his mouth made into a sneer of determination and power. In each of his hands he held a sword, both of them pointed up and ready to draw blood. His eyes were measuring and calculating every single inch of floor and wall between him, waiting for the first sign of human form instead of dancing shadow. His face was set, almost as if it was stone, small beads of sweat running down his cheeks. His hair which normally would have been pulled tight into a tail at the nape of his neck was hanging loose and down past his shoulders. He also had a small round patch of blood spreading into something much more, only his was on his right thigh, his chest was rising and falling rapidly as his breathing increased in speed. His eyes constantly moving he never looked away from the front door of the dojo.

In myself I could feel the rage building up, fiery and hostile, it consumed every inch of my mind and soul. I knew that this rage could only have come from the hurt that is made from a personal attack, on either myself, my house or my family. Judging from the shadows outside and the wounds on Kashii and Nakagana it was a combination of all of them. My eyes were also dancing left and right, measuring and waiting, planning and calculating like I had been trained to do. I did look down remembering that the floor was raised, I thought I had heard a sound of something or someone trying to cut through the floor. I noticed the wounds that I had at the time, I had blood spreading in a circular pattern around an arrow that was sticking out of my waist, down by my hip. The wood of the arrow was twitching as I shifted my weight from my left to right foot, the feathers on the end dancing ever so slightly. I also had sweat dripping off of my face, both hands wrapped around the handles of the swords given to me from Nakagana. I waited for the first sign of shadow to turn into form inside the room, either from the ceiling, doorway, or floor.

What seemed to be all at once the front walls and doorway of the dojo exploded in and ten people came rushing towards the three of us all of them with their weapons raised. One of the charging memebers of this attack had hit the floor before they even had time to think, his head seperated from his shoulders. The person next to him followed not a second later, in the same fashion as the first. The sounds of gunshots filled the air along with the clang of metal against metal as some of the intruders counter-attacked the sword moves from Kahii and Nakagana. I had four people in front of me running towards me, all of them with guns raised. I let my instincts take over and reacted the only way they knew how to.

I raised the blades of my swords with the cutting edges towards the people in front of me, at the same time I started to spin around moving my arms up and down like pistons. I hit each one of the people with either the blade of my spinning swords or with my hand wrapped around the handle of the swords. Each of their guns were hit away from me getting me out of their sights. I stopped spinning and was standing in the middle of the four of them, all of their guns thrown across the room. As I brought my right forward and sliced through the person in front of me, my left was thrusting to the back and sliding through the middle of the person behind me. I pulled the swords out and flipped them around my hands and thrust them both the same way that I had just done, this time into the other two people that were standing in front and behind me. After all of them had hit the floor with their spinal cords severed I turned towards Nakagana and Kashii.

I saw both of them drop the intruders in front of them and then I had another gunshot and Kashii screaming, I watched as her body spun around and hit the floor with a thump. I saw Nakagana hold his sword over his head and run towards the doorway, I saw out of the corner of my eye what looked like a fireball flying through the air. It was not until I saw the flaming end of an arrow sticking out of his back that I realized what had just happened. It was then the dojo was filled with flames and smoke, everything started to become dark and I was having a hard time breathing, I could feel my skin going cold. I woke up with a gasp with my sowrd held out in front of me, I watched as the lantern that was hanging next to my bed hit the floor, I had sliced the string holding it in place.

I told Nakagana and Kashii about the dream the next day and they both seemed less than worried about it. They explained to me like this, "Dreams are only images our minds show us in terms that we will understand. What they show us hardly, if ever, come completely true like they are shown to us. It is our mind taking a more complex problem and breaking it down into simple terms for us to comprehend. Apparently something else is troubling you that looks as if it will end in conflict, I doubt that it will be a fateful battle such as you dreamed."

For several months I lived with this explanation, it took me some convincing that it was all a dream. It was the biggest fear that I had I didn't want the only family that ever loved me taken away from me. My training was not affected by this dream, but as Nakagana pointed out one day, "You seem to have found a new inspiration for your teachings. Your agility and speed have almost tripled, and your sword manaveurs are astounding. Is it the dream that driving you?"

His ability to read my mind and my thoughts was amazing and scary. I kept the image of him and my mother in my mind as they lay dying when we would start training. My desire to keep them alive, breathing, being there for me to love me until they were old was waht made me more aware, attentive. It was almost like I had a hyper-awareness of everyone and everything around me. What would normally take me five moves to disarm Nakagana was only taking three, sometimes two. I was able to avoid and dodge more of his hands and weapons, even the ones that he never showed me. His frustration became my energy, seeing the asonishment grow in his eyes was my dessert. He was throwing everything he had at me and yet I was able to avoid every last thing he threw, the whole time his death playing over and over in my mind. He stopped swinging his hands and arms after five minutes and said in a most commanding voice, "STOP!"

Immediately I snapped into the attention stance that so many soldiers are familiar with. My hands down at my sides, my head held high and level, eyes forward, all movement ceased. He closed his eyes and held his hands in front of him, slowly he took in a full breath and released as he moved his hands away from his body, fingers pointed out, eyes closed. He was releasing all of the "demons" from his body, the cleansing ritual that we did at the end of each sparring session. When he opened his eyes he was staring directly at me, trying very hard to see through me, I was not allowing him to. His gaze became more hard and powerful, yet I deflected his attempts to read my mind. He looked down at his feet and tried a different approach, this time he looked up at me with less fire blazing in his eyes, yet all of the intensity remained. Again I defied him access to my thoughts. He lowered himself to one knee and did the most unimaginable thing then.

"I have no more to show you or teach you. I have given you everything that I know. You are no longer a student, nor are you a teacher, and you have become more than I have ever been and will be. You have surpassed your sensei in the abilities of the martial arts. For this I give to you the dojo and all of the items inside, you have earned them." He picked himself back up and turned his back on me then, his head lowered, his hands dangling at his sides.

I was stunned, I had no idea what to say or do, or if I should even move. It took me some time to find my voice, once I did however I said to him, "Father, I cannot accept your forfeiting of the dojo to me. I will not allow you to give me the sowrds and weapons you earned in all of the battles you were in. I will never be more than you are, I cannot surpass such greatness. I have been a very fortunate and lucky person to have you as my sensei for as long as I have. I will never claim this dojo as my own, however I will invite you over to my house when I get one so you can help me fashion one of my own."

He spun and looked at me with his eyes full of fury, yet surprise and respect, a strange combination all at one time. He was now the one having trouble finding the voice that never failed him. He took even longer than I did, but he simply said, "Thank you my son. I will never again offer this to you. What is done is done. I will ask one thing of you however."

Intrigued I looked at him, snapping out of my attention stance and raised one eyebrow, "And that is?"

Smiling he looked back at me almost in the same exact fashion as I was looking at him, with just the slightest trace of smirk on his face he asked, "Will you please teach me all that you know?"

Reflections in the Dojo

A person can train forever and a day to learn how to be an efficient and lethal killer, but never can they train for the aftermath of what that savagery will bring. I spent the next day alone in the dojo, quiet and withdrawn, seeing the faces of the men that I killed in my mind. Over and over again I would see them standing there just looking at me, I would see the look of horror and shock in their eyes as my blade pierced their flesh, separating their life from their souls, I would see them fall to the ground dead. More and more I kept thinking of the families, if any, they had that were left because of my doing, my hand, my blade. I was sad, but more than that I was angry. I became angry at Nakagana for not warning me about this feeling that I would encounter, I was angry at Kashii for her even headedness and smooth temperament during this time, ultimely I learned that the person I was angry at was myself.

Nakagana did all that he could to leave me alone and let me figure out the feeling by myself, however he would stop in from time to time and see if I was doing alright. "Forgive me son, I know that you have asked me to stop pestering you, but as a concerned father I just want to know if you are fine."

I would look over at him and the first thought that I had whenever I saw his face hovering over my shoulder, his eyes piercing into mine looking for any sign of what my feelings held, I wanted to slap him and yell, make him stop doing that. I wanted him out of my head, yet I couldn't bring myself to do so because I was feeling another thing at the same time, I was feeling sorrow and empathy for him. I could only imagine what he must be feeling at this time, knowing that he not only killed other men, but he brought his son into it as well. He introduced the world of pain and suffering onto the one person that he swore never to show any to, his fault I was feeling this way, and he knew it. I would simply look back into his eyes suppressing all emotion and rage and tell him, "I am just fine Father, you may leave now. When I am ready to come out I will, for now I will meditate on their souls and pray for their release from evil." He would silently walk away and let me pray for each victim of my sword.

Kashii took another approach altogether, she would come in with a tray of food for me and leave it on the floor next to me. Before she left she would walk around to be in front of me and kneel down, coming down to my eye level. "Yoji, I am worried about you. You have not spoken to Nakagana about how you feel, he is concerned, as I am. Please tell me if there is anything you wish to talk about." Her eyes all full of love, misty, deep, powerful. Her mouth in a slight smile, sweet and welcoming. I could never turn her away, I told her what I was doing, as I had told Nakagana. She lowered her head and whispered a small prayer to the floor as well. Loosely tranlated she wished for the safe passage of the dearly departed souls from mother earth to the kingdom of heaven where they shall remain full of peace and light. I listened to her kind words fall from her beautiful mouth, I felt a tear come out of my eye and trail slowly down my cheek. I could smell the delicious food she brought out to me, my stomach took a turn and made a strange noise. She smiled and said she would be back with more once I finished off the plate, fifteen straight hours of praying and meditating can cause hunger I found out.

When she returned she had with her Nakagana ho had brough his own tray of food with him, he did not look in my eyes when he sat down, nor did he even turn his face towards me. I kept looking at him and made him look at me by saying, "Father, why do you wish to not look at your son?" I felt hurt that he was treating me the way that he was, did I truly offend him by not saying anything to him?

"If that is what you wish of me then I will, otherwise I do not wish to upset such a powerful man as yourself." It was the first time that he had called me a man and treated me as an equal with him, not as a teacher and student, but a warrior like him. He must have picked up on that feeling for he looked at Kashii, leaned over and kissed her cheek and then waited for her to leave before we had our talk.

"Yojiro I have watched you as you have matured. You came to me as a scared little boy, beaten and bruised from the world and the family that he had grown to know. I was afraid that you may become a product of that hate and anger, however you have exceeded my expectations and became a very powerful, yet troubled warrior. You have a presence around you that I cannot describe. This presence makes it so that you feel the sorrow and sadness of the world as it happens. You are capable of dynamic actions in battle, yet it troubles you when it happens. This is a normal reaction to the first fight that you are in. I can tell you that it gets better with each battle you live through. You have shown impressive skill and nerve with your movements earlier, you have also shown amazing power. To the amount that you showed in such a young body is unheard pf, in fact, it is something that I have never heard of. I would like to do something for you, for me, for all of us. Before I can do this I have to ask you, do you truly trust me?"

I was astounded and taken aback by what he had just said to me. Was he actually telling me good things about myself? No one ever does that, he had to of been talking about someone else. I must have missed it somewhere as he was talking, he could not be talking about me. Yet I knew that he was and I was more trying to talk myself into believeing it so that we could proceed with what it was he wanted to do. I looked at him to see if he was showing any signs what so ever of joking or anything, reaching for a way to get away from the seriousness of everything. I was not ready for philosophy or mysticisim and I knew it was going to be both that was going to happen. "Of course I trust you. I have some questions first thought."

He raised one eyebrow and looked at me with his head cocked to the side, a small half-smile across his mouth, "By all means let me hear them so I can give you my answers, I pray that they are helpful for you."

I looked down at my lap for one second, maybe longer than that, and after staring at my fingers for a short moment I looked back up and started asking questions. "Why did you decide to show me the ways of the samurai, if you really did not want me to ever use them?"

He waited to see if I was done before he answered my question. "Yoji, I showed you the ways of how to defend yourself because of concern. I wanted to make sure that you would be able to take of yourself if you were ever attacked, or if you were ever being hurt. What I showed you was how to handle yourself in any situation. I hoped that you would learn from this what to do in a time that is sticky. I wanted you to learn how to avoid being a spot you did not want ot be. I did not show you how to just kill people when you are in battle, I hope that you understand I showed you how to see the right choices in life and give you the power to make the right decisions. That is why I showed you the ways of the samurai my son, to help improve the already remarkable person that you are."

"What made you see that I was right for that when no one else could see that?" I was trying to avoid showing any emotion or surprise by his answer. It was something that I needed to know for myself, it was something that I was thinking about in between prayers.

"I saw in you the opportunity to help you grow. I saw the power you showed when taking care of those two boys when they tried to hurt the girl. I saw the determination and sheer rage pour out of your being when you saw an injustice being done. I saw myself in you. Only when I saw you then I saw a boy that was confused and unaware of what his potential was. So what I saw was a chance to not only help you, but help the world by giving to them the person that is before me."

As you might imagine I was a little confused by all of that, again up until I became a part of Nakagana and Kashii's life, I never heard one positive word of encouragement or affection from a single person in my life. I looked away from him for the briefest of seconds, but he knew everything I felt just by that one sideways glance. He could read all of the love, the happiness, the pride I felt in myself and him by my not looking at him, it is to this day a talent that I have tried to learn. With the steadiest voice I could find I asked him, "What exactly have you given the world with my being trained?"

His smile was full of pride and amusement, "I have given them the world the most incredible warrior for justice that I could find. I have given them a reason to feel safe when they are on the streets. I have given the world the gift of hope. I have given them a person to believe in. As I have given all of those gifts to you. I only ask that you use them with the best intentions in mind."

I had one more question for him, one more thing that I had to hear out loud. I knew the answer, but still had to hear it out loud, so with that in mind I asked him, "Can I still call you my Dad even though you are accepting me as an equal?"

"It would break my heart if you did not do so, son."